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Breathwork Openings -- Volume 1

So I’ve signed up for the 5-Day Business Challenge of Breathwork with an Amy Kuretsky, located in Minneapolis MN and colleague of my friend Libby Smith. Not sure why all I signed up, but at the very least, I found way into a 12-minute breathwork practice ‘on my own,’ with her introductory video. I have access to Spotify playlists within which I can also do this practice. I could have done these things before signing up, of course. Libby shares the playlists and it’s not as if I don’t know how to do the practice. Funny what will get me to do something for myself, and what won’t for a long time…until it’s finally time.

This morning seemed a restless one, with just enough curiosity about the restlessness to explore a little deeper. I was able to center in my body, my sensations, in a way my mind had not been allowing me to land. Blessed be.


I’m irritated and a little angry with the word eldering. Particularly as a woman I’d used that word with, for, some at her insistence in her work, is not leading or holding her commitments well, in my view. Damage to a communal web, to friends and fellow seekers, is seeming to result. Which, of course, is the natural way for communities to mature, to deepen…or not, depending upon participants’ resilience in staying, in showing up, in remaining present. As I said with a friend via text, it’s not unlike a strength WOD in CrossFit. Small muscle tears that heal make for stronger and stronger muscles. Strength-building requires mini-tears. Large tears, however, rip the fabric of skin, muscle, body, resulting in inability or incapacities to function, to use that limb. Which is this one, for the circle? Time will tell…


I knew this was underneath my restlessness, hence the breathwork.


I found myself with some new and old arisings, sensing my body ‘speaking to me’ without words, or at least with minimal words. The freedom to just BE in my own body always brings tears. I could feel the emotions rise, letting the tears come before returning to the breath. Letting the sadness go, not needing to name or claim its specifics. I felt a groundedness of physical form, the beautiful gift of physical feeling, sensation, activity. Much as my CF mantra is enjoy the movement, so do I take delight in this breathwork practice. Breathe into the belly. Breathe into the heart space. Exhale it all out. Repeat for a period of minutes. I catch myself tensing up my belly out of habit, and appreciate the expansion of it with the breath. I soften somehow.


I could feel a wondering about my ancient patterns finally opening up… I am an elder by now, with fewer and fewer options for any remaining eldering of me. It made me laugh when I crystallized the thought in my awareness in November. Weird to think of myself as older, even old. Sought and unsought, I find myself eldering others while holding a sense of humility too. Just being a channel that Spirit seems to want to flow in and through. I’ve called it spiritual stewardship, the infinite freedom of being a finite creature, only asked to steward what I’ve been given, no more. This blesses me more than anything I know “gets received” out there, into another mysterious human. And I don’t call it eldering, mostly because of how power-hierarchies have functioned/misfunctioned in my experiences. Companioning. Being-with. Being-fierce-for. What this means for me now is that I don’t need to look for the next community web within which to heal, to belong, to be assured of…whatever is uncertain within me, at the moment or existentially. Within my devotion to Spirit, whatever and whomever will find me, when it’s time to be found. Deep oxygen in this for me this morning.


[Like yesterday, reconnecting with Tokunbo Adelekan, opening doors into transformative-tables, cross-pollinating relationships in NW Dayton, continuing my advocacy or community development work across racial, class, ethnic lines in Dayton, Ohio. My explicit connectionalism with this woman elder may be drawing to a close, best for both of us, or not, best for both of us, while remaining attentive to F&W webs.]


I also heard a wondering about fidelity and/or loyalty as the breathwork practice unfolded. For a long while, I’ve had a high value or ethic of loyalty, fidelity…within relationships, within communities I’m fierce for, even within tradition(s) from which I do not want to sever completely. Often times, this sense of loyalty/fidelity is for the community’s best self, its highest values and best practices. When ruptures or inconsistencies would arise–as they always will–my calling would become mirroring, teaching, wondering, asking questions…much to the irritation of the elders in that community. Or I would begin to outgrow a space, which is when my ethic of loyalty or fidelity could get in the way of my own giftings, vision, offerings. My own individual healing journey has therefore often unfolded between the individual-communal poles, balancing my individuation within the larger context of community norms and values. I see now that these two forces–rupture and outgrowing–are often precisely timed with one another. 

This morning, I felt a freedom in the notion that maybe loyalty and fidelity need not be a primary focus in my intersection of communities, divergences and convergences both, without it becoming all individualism. Perhaps there is an invitation for me to ground my trust first in Spirit, who “speaks” with me in and through my body, my breath, and let human beings be/heal their own damn selves. I don’t need to be loyal to Fire&Water, in other words, as there are multiple notions now about whatever it is. There is nothing to be loyal to, really, except practicing trust it will unfold precisely as Spirit intends. I can continue to show up, practice ‘right-relationship’ with folks who come in (and leave) my life, and trust those that leave knew wisest for them. Just as I will honor my own belly, be loyal to Spirit, ineffable and mysterious as that may be. Being faith-full has now become an inside-job, I guess, without being disconnected from community. Both/and.


Enough for today... I wonder what tomorrow's breathwork will offer, invite?





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Wisdom Walker
I am a scholar, companion, friend, contemplative, wife, daughter, teacher, poet, and most importantly for this space, a writer. I learn best by entering into practice, listening deeply, and remaining open to those who will share their path and passions with me.

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