Unexpected Landings

So my right ankle gave out on me, on a rather straightforward gravel road, leading back to the Trillium Cottage Brian and I have rented for a couple days of birthday-getaway time here in the Hocking Hills.. 

We were walking along with Nala on her blue leash, talking after dinner about whatever we were talking about, and BAM! I found myself falling down, skinned left knee, slightly grazed right knee, punctured palms from catching myself, and a twisted right ankle. My body went into a bit of shock, deciding to remain on the ground for a time. Brian took the leash with Nala and began peppering me with questions to determine extent of injury. I was dazed and confused, sitting on the ground, feeling the pains of my fall but not much immediately aware beyond that. 

This post is to mark the experience and name what I remember, close to the happenstance of it all. I am much more unnerved by it than I expected. 

The physical experience of shock is something I want to honor, remember, now better to empathize with others when something like this happens in their bodies, unexpectedly. I hurt. I was afraid. I didn’t understand how this could happen. I’m focused on health and well-being in my body throughout the week, albeit less so post-Reunion and amidst Brian’s birthday getaway. On such ‘vacation’ events, I tend to relax the clean-eating stringencies for convenience’s sake, ease of effort and planning. My mind went immediately to self-blame for having failed at something I was supposed to have done better. I began to wonder if it was the cocktail hour we’d had. (Which I’d not really imbibed much in, realizing I wanted a little less indulgence there). In the physical shock of it, I moved into self-criticism and self-blame.

We hobbled me back to the cottage without too much pain. I could see my ankle swelling up, which concerned me, but I also knew we had a LOT of packed ice from our travels here. I moved immediately to icing my ankle while Brian began to put ointment and a band-aid on the worst of my skinned knee. He continued to pepper me with questions. He insisted on my taking 4 Advil (ibuprofen) for pain relief but also inflammation control. About two hours later, I felt very little pain in my ankle, most on my left knee. We watch a couple Big Bang Theory episodes, then began the first episode of “The Other Bennett Girl”, a series from BritBox. Good distractions, all.

We read in bed a bit. I hobbled over to brush my teeth, go to the bathroom, before sleep. Brian took a dip in the hottub, which I demurred from. Didn’t figure my skinned knee would like it. We read some more. I realized I was sleepy yet also not. The adrenalin was still coursing in my system. The fear was still predominant within me: how could this have happened? What did I not see such that such a spill would happen? How did I miss it? My mind continued to reel, looking for whatever I should have been doing so to prevent this fall.

Life is risky, I guess. Things happen. True, I had turned my ankle two weeks ago, same ankle, same turning, when we were walking up the hill toward the outdoor music venue-event. But I had walked it off. Noticed some tenderness the next two days, but explored some step-ups and step-downs at the gym with no pain or weakness. I did a running WOD at CrossFit this past week–the day before, actually–with no unsteadiness or pain or anything. I didn’t give it another thought…but clearly it was weaker than I knew. Things happen. It took me a while to get to sleep, even though I was weary. Fear does that, i guess.

This morning, the swelling is way down though not gone. I can hobble around, including into the car, to the breakfast table, back to the restaurant entrance where Brian brought the car. I’m continuing with the Advil, for inflammation response and any pain that might remain. It doesn’t hurt on its own too much–just an ache, in and out of awareness. But I now have a much deeper, visceral care for the shock and fear(s) that come with unexpected loss of body stability, control. We live with this sense that we control our bodies in the world, and mostly, we do. Every once in a while, though, we are reminded that aging brings unexpected landings.

Life is risky and so it will happen as we age. Better make the most of one’s blessings and opportunities as they emerge, eh? I’m thankful Brian’s always prepared with first-aid kits. I’m glad for Nala nearby, head on my leg, dozing and trusting all is well. It is good to be away for Brian’s birthday, and we will enjoy our time away as we always do. Quiet, listening, spacious, grateful.